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Now that it's all said and done, I can't believe you were the one To build me up and tear me down, Like an old abandoned house. What you said when you left Just left me cold and out of breath. I fell too far, was in way too deep. Guess I let you get the best of me. Well, I never saw it coming. I should've started running A long, long time ago. And I never thought I'd doubt you, I'm better off without you More than you, more than you know. I'm slowly getting closure. I guess it's really over. I'm finally getting better. And now I'm picking up the pieces. I'm spending all of these years Putting my heart back together. 'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,I got over you. You took a hammer to these walls, Dragged the memories down the hall, Packed your bags and walked away .There was nothing I could say. And when you slammed the front door shut, A lot of others opened up, So did my eyes so I could see That you never were the best for me. Right now I am going between despair and anger....remember my last post when I was talking about the while "I need time thing?" Well he was brushing me off so he can tell me he wants to fuck other people. Oh I'm sorry I don't want to misquote him...he wants to "Stay separated". Right before Christmas.....congrats asshole, you wrecked my Christmas. Why should you care....you are in your plush little condo with my electronics and my baby bird. You have your sister who worships you. And you have your rich little daddy to wipe up the mess with money. You have a little extra cash in your pocket. You used me till I was of no use to you....then you threw me out. I was devoted to you. I am having a very hard time living without you. Half of me wants you dead while the other half wants to hold you in my arms.....I am not sure how long I can keep going like this. My sanity is slipping and with each passing day my will to live wanes.... But why the hell am I bothering writing this.....no one is gonna read it. Welcome to my life....I'm invisible...the only person that actually thought I mattered has found better... Merry Fucking Christmas..... Labels: Losing It I know, I know, I've been away a LONG time, but alot has happened. So instead of giving you blow by painful blow (and yes, it was painful), I will gloss over what has been going on with the last 6 months of my life. This might be a long one so sit back and relax. Last time I left you, I was not in good shape. The stress was really getting to me and I was pretty much falling apart. Well, I did eventually hit rock bottom and almost did away with myself. Jeff threatened to leave me and everything. Doing that scared me into getting myself straightened out. I went to see my Dr in Hysterics because I wanted help. It was then that I finally got diagnosed with Biological Depression. So now I am on anti-depressants. Normally, I hate taking any type of medication, but I do begrudgingly admit that it is working and I am getting back to the Angie before this all happened. Things with Jeff right now couldn't be better. Well, at least on my end. We get along very well, and our fights are only little tiffs that get fixed the same day. Much better then the full out fights that we used to have. I also give credit for that to my medications. I find that I don't sweat the small stuff as they say. My hope is that I am not on these meds forever and that I can deal with my emotions without chemical assistance. The only problem is that this medication that I am taking is wreaking havok with my libido (as in I have NONE), and that is making Jeff a very desperate man. Hehe. My Dr changed my medication recently, so I hope that does the trick. So things are good on that end. What else is going on in my life. Well, Jeff is smack dab in the middle of Community College now. His marks are doing awesome and he is really enjoying being in the middle of things. I think he was getting a little depressed being out of work on account of his voice. I am working....well, sorta. Not long after the last entry, I started working at the Call Center that I worked at last year. But the evil depression reared its ugly head and I was off for a long time. I am seeing a therapist now and have since discovered that that is not the job for me. You see, that position is sales, when what I really want to do is Customer Service. So I have had a couple interviews this week and last and I am hoping to start a new position within a week or so. More on that another time. The other thing that has taken up alot, if not all my free time is playing Final Fantasy 11 online. We just got it after we bought our new computer. It is such a beautiful and engaging game that it has inspired me to start a new blog about it. I will post the link when I am done developing it. Kinda like a travel diary of my 2 main characters. Well, I think I have taken up enough time with this catching up thing. I promise I will try to take the time every day (or at least every couple days) to jot down my thoughts. Besides, my therapist wants me to start a journal, and I think that this would be the perfect medium to do it in. So until next time, take care of yourself. PS-Yes I think Clay Aiken is still the best thing known to womenkind, but I've been so busy that I haven't followed what he's been doing lately, but don't worry, I'll start again! I am still here, just been busy and stressed. I will be sure to come back in the next few days to update. So till then... Things get worse before they get better...I think that is how that cliche goes. The last time I posted, things were pretty crappy. And it really got worse from there. I won't spare you the gory details, but I pretty much had a small nervous breakdown. If I had a real one, believe me, I wouldn't be posting right now. I am still stressed out the ass, but there is a tiny glimmer of hope in this shitfest. After I posted (well a couple days), I received a call from a recruiting company. Well, after many rounds of phone tag, we talked and to make a long story short, I have an interview on Monday morning. I am hoping beyond hope that I get it, cause we are unfortunately in dire straits financially. There is NO money coming in and lots going out. This will solve alot of stresses in my life I think. This money problem is also causing problems with Jeff and I. At first I thought he just was making excuses cause he didn't want to work. And sometimes I still wonder. But more than that I am really worried about his health. His voice is not coming back and since he does work at call centers, his voice is the most important thing to stay working. Sigh....oh well, sometime fate kicks you in the gonads he always says...... On the Clay front, as you can see, he has been one busy beaver. I can't really recap everything he has done, but he has been extremely sucessful. He has won 3 awards, gone double platinum, appearances EVERYWHERE and he is even featured in the Luann comic strip. So ya, good stuff all round. This New Year brings rumor of 2 more Albums and a Solo tour. And I am sure that AI3 will have some appearances with the man. I am totally surprised that he has not collapsed with exhaustion by now. He really needs a vacation. I am actually toying with the fact of starting writing again by making a Clay musical. I have been thinking of it for a few months now. I really lost the muse for writing when my Grandfather died. He was the one who gave me the passion for producing the written word. To tell you the truth, I am kinda scared to start again. I have so many ideas, but can't seem to get them on paper. Maybe I should just take the plunge and do it. I will be sure to keep you posted on my progress.. Well, guys and gals, I am REALLY tired and I think I wrote way too much tonight. So like I said, things are going a LITTLE better but we aren't out of the woods yet....... I apologize profusely for leaving my blog fall into disrepair. There has been alot of not so nice things going on in my life, so in trying to deal with those, this gets put into the back burner. So where should I start. Well, I am under employed. Not much money coming into the house, right now. Then to make this even worse, Jeff's voice went out yet again......how many times is this now?? 3 times? So there is pretty much NO money coming into the house right now. I am afraid that I am going to get evicted and disconnected and all around screwed up because of this. Needless to say, my stress level is beyond maximum. It is everything I can do not to have a nervous breakdown. Thank God that Jason finally moved out, or I would be taking that breakdown! Although he is being a really bad neighbour, but that is another story for another entry. So that is the update of my life, the short version. I am hoping to find another call center job before the New Year, which is 3 days away, so that is a large goal indeed. But I have resumes out and have contacted former jobs to see if they rehiring. I need to kill this stress. I am one step away from breaking. Christmas didn't exist for me. We didn't have any money for gifts and for some twisted reason, Jeffs family decided to reschedule christmas 2 weeks early. Due to this, they didn't even acknowlege that Christmas even existed. So basically, on one of the happiest nights of the year, I spent in deep depression just wishing the day was over. It was not a pretty sight. Not even Clay could make me feel better. I am still a little depressed, but I need to do something about it if I want to feel better. I am a little tired right now, so I am not going to write too much. I will make a point to write here a few times a week if not every day. I just want to say that I hope that the Next year is better than this year, cause I am not sure I can survive this much longer....till next time... Just to let you know that I am still around and intend on writing alot more. Things just kinda went to hell. Jeff got sick *again*, I lost my job and well, it just isn't fun. I will be back to let you in on all the scary details. Also to update everyone on what is going on with Clay...... It's been 2 weeks tonight since Hurricane Juan, and things are finally starting to have some semblance of order. The power AND cable/internet is back on after quite a few hits and misses. That along with a bunch of inept tree cutters. Speaking of which, the tree that fell on my house is finally gone. It would have been gone a week ago, but there was an incident with a crane operator and a very egotistical tree surgeon. If the house wasn't in risk of more damage, it would have been a very funny incident. There are still signs of destruction all over the city, but we are all slowly starting to piece my life together. That and there is a lot less trees in the city. I guess Halifax/Dartmouth is no longer the city of trees. The most depressing of it all is that we/my landlord lost a beautiful 100 year old tree in the storm. I am still a bit traumatized about the whole experience, and I hope NEVER to experience it again. Well, it is a little over 2 weeks before Jason is supposed to move out. So close, but it doesn't even look like he is making a move to pack. It sounds silly, but we are going to have to ask him if in fact he IS planning on leaving. That or I am going to end up throwing his stuff off the balcony. But I can give him some credit. He IS being pretty friendly and he was pretty cool during the hurricane. But I am afraid that it is not going to erase all the asshole things he has done. Well, because of this whole lack of cable debacle, I ended up missing the Prime Time Thursday special on Clay. I was NOT a happy camper. But a friend on the net directed me to the interview on the internet. So I got to see him after all. The more I watched it, the more I realized that he is more like me than I thought. I underestimate my talents. I was raised in an abusive household (no fault of my mom, it was my step dad). I don't talk to my real dad and he makes no effort to contact me. I want to help people. I think that is why I like him so much. And that interview made me respect him even more!!!! I also have a confession to make. I had access to his CD before it was released. I was bad, and listened to it. All I can say is WOW!!!!! It may be a biased opinion on my part, but he has definitely gotten a platinum on his hands. Now I am still going to buy the CD on tuesday, but I got a sneak peek. And since I am not going to be able to get to the CD party because of my new job, it doesn't realy matter when I get the CD now. Well, I think I have rambled and gave you the quickest update I could. Clay if you ever read this and you have time, please drop me a line. We would have lots to talk about. :) Ah, wishful thinking. Take Care all of you...... |
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